Yes. Too many times we’re unaware undoing the damage is very hard thing to do and you have to put a lot of extra effort to acheave that.
In a way it was, especially as I never have been to UK before (neither too far from home either) but having a chance to be in Wales for fabulous 2 weeks opened new horizons to me. I won’t say there aren’t stil hidden ones behind those which opened, but it’s a heck of a start … 
I must be really oblivious to things going on lately, since I have no idea what exactly this refers to, but I’ve been admittedly busy recently. I do hope whatever negativity came up gets sorted out though. My first impression of this place was that it was really friendly and welcoming and it would be a damn shame for that to not be the case anymore. I actually used to be afraid to join because I thought everyone would be too advanced to want to talk to me, but I was pleasantly surprised by the calm atmosphere.
Having to ban a person is always unfortunate though. I run a forum (mostly used by kids and young adults) and banning people for being rude always makes me feel like I’m some kind of weird Internet parent putting people in time out for doing stuff they know they shouldn’t be doing. But I’m glad you actively look after the wellbeing of the community @aran
[quote=“FrankMorys, post:35, topic:6354”]
Having to ban a person is always unfortunate though. I run a forum (mostly used by kids and young adults) and banning people for being rude always makes me feel like I’m some kind of weird Internet parent putting people in time out for doing stuff they know they shouldn’t be doing.[/quote]
Don’t feel like weird parent when banning. I’m telling you this from my own experiences … If you’re too kind letting youngsters to do what they want it can turn way against you. I maybe know this the best …
And all here was obviously sorted at the right time not to spread any further I think. I never saw the staff of one forum being so calm, fair and kind as they are here. Thank you all once again.
I don’t think anyone actually got banned did they? Just warned and redacted.
.
I don’t visit this forum very often, largely through lack of time. There are never enough hours in the day. I visited most recently on the Aberfan anniversary, although I didn’t say anything. I had been sitting here in my home in Australia, weeping over the heartbreaking first-person accounts from a little village, half a century ago, on the other side of the world, and feeling like I needed to reach out and hear from other people who were weeping too. (I’m a little too young to remember Aberfan when it happened - and even if I’d been older, I think my parents would have protected me from terrible foreign news to some extent - but I certainly knew about Aberfan by the early 1970s, when I came across it in a magazine article.)
Because I don’t visit this forum often, I don’t know which have been the problem discussions, and don’t particularly want to know. But whenever I do visit, I feel like I’m being enveloped in a giant bear hug of friendliness. I’ve felt like that from my first post here, when I was overwhelmed with friendly, encouraging advice. It was a tidal wave of warmth and welcome. I’ve never experienced anything like it in any forum.
So I’m pleased that @aran is actively monitoring the discussions and promoting the rule of friendliness always, no exceptions.
I would sound only one small note of caution: the notion of what constitutes “friendliness” can vary from one culture to another. We come from many different countries, and our cultures are very different too, even across different English-speaking countries.
An example. I used to work with someone who was born and raised in Russia, and he was married to a Japanese woman. He said that when the in-laws all got together in his house, it was almost World War 3. They all spoke English, but Russian conversational style tends to be blunt and forthright, whereas Japanese discourse tends to circle around the topic, gradually getting nearer and nearer to what the person wants to say. The result of this was that the Japanese parents thought the Russian parents were abrupt and rude, always interrupting them, and the Russian parents in turn were impatient with what they perceived as the Japanese parents’ evasiveness and the way they took forever to get to the point! It took all of my colleague’s diplomatic skills to keep the peace.
So my point is, even when we’re all speaking the same language, we’re not necessarily using the same discourse style. We may all be trying to be polite and friendly, but our rules about what constitutes politeness and friendliness may be very different.
If someone speaks bluntly to you in this forum, and you feel hurt by it, ask yourself: are they really intending to offend? Could it be that they’re just from a culture that is accustomed to speaking more bluntly than yours does?
If they’re not actually hurling insults, it might be worth giving them the benefit of the doubt and saying something like “Perhaps you don’t realise how bluntly your remarks came across. I’ll assume you didn’t mean to offend…” Or, as someone said earlier, say nothing to them and let @Aran deal with it. I think the worst thing you could do is become inflamed by what they said and respond angrily. That could result in two people being banned.
That just made my day…
Thank you for your excellent post, Matilda, with which I agree strongly.
I think there are two keys to successful text-based communication - one is being more overt than usual - using smilies (although they can feel silly sometimes, they leave little doubt about the intended tone), using extra ‘politeness’ markers, that sort of stuff.
The other is believing in everyone else’s positive intentions - that they want to be friendly, want to be liked, want to be a part of the community.
Of course, that sort of stuff is exactly what we usually see in this community, which is a joy…
I have just become aware of this issue and thread thanks to Dee’s invaluable newsletter. I have just speed-read all the 41 posts and would liked to have “liked” them all but don’t have the time. 
I would just like to pay special tribute to @CatrinLliarJones for her own moving, personal post
I am immensely relieved to find I am far from being alone in my concern for the occasional departure from the look, feel and supportive spirit of this wonderful (possibly unique) forum. In fact I “voted with my feet” for nearly a year as a result of my concern.
I have grown to have absolute trust in Aran’s steady, guiding hand and this has been fully confirmed by his initial post, actions and all the responses.
People who know me will never describe me as a Pollyanna. My family will even call me a grumpy old reggub. I still hold strong, political views and have been rabidly active in the not-so-distant past, but I treasure this forum as a refuge from all that and an invaluable source of support and encouragement towards our shared linguistic goals. What more do we need?
This topic is now a banner. It will appear at the top of every page until it is dismissed by the user.
Hmmm … I just wanted to do that in the first place as I could almost recite every word you’ve written without reading it BUT no! “Let it be there as that little reminder which knocks on your conscience every time you want to “blurt” something out!” I’ve said to myself so it remains for me where it is …
Diolch pawb.
Well, to be honest, all we - Slavs - are a bit like that and yes, I’m realizing this was (or maybe it still is, I don’t know) obviously my main problem … We as nation(s) can be quite tempered but I’m (was) not the worst of “my” kind, believe me.
Thank you @Matilda for this post. And … well, I only now realize I’ve missed you here (or I do not read the right topics to see you on board. ) . Welcome back.
Yah … and I’ve beaten myself for a long time feeling guilty of not to see you on here for a long time … I’m glad you decided to come back otherwise I’d never meet you and we wouldn’t “cruise around” Eisteddfod.
We all grown a bit I believe what is just great!
I’ve beaten myself for a long time feeling guilty
I assured you explicitly by PM that you, personally, had no cause to feel guilty. I hope you believe me now. Our Eisteddfod perambulation was special to me, too.
I am still looking forward to “growing up”
In matters we’re discussing here, yes, in other thngs … why really? I like to be a bit childish. - LOL .
Yes, there was where/when beating myself stopped in that matter.
Gee, people! You’ve changed me to the bits (to good). And visiting Cymru changed me even more.
This is the exact trouble I have with conversation a lot of times! I’ve been considered rude when I always just thought I was getting to the point and never mean it in a bad way. It took me a long time to figure out that direct isn’t always appreciated. I’m not Russian, but I can relate anyway.
I think part of the issue is that text based discussions have very little indicators in the way of tone, so often directness can be read as abruptness or even aggressiveness. It’s the big problem with medium transfers. I’ve learned to alter my wording to sound more polite, and when all else fails, smileys are pretty clear. 
You have made a very interesting and important point, @Matilda. It’s certainly true in my own experience!
I was born in South Africa and grew up in the former Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe). My mother tongue is English. When I settled in England 37 long years ago, I found that my communication style differed quite a bit from the “natives”. I found them to be a bit like your Japanese - talked “around” a subject and frustratingly, took forever to get to the point. Whereas they found me like your Russians - blunt and “call a spade a spade”, sometimes to the point of rudeness.
I was horrified when it was pointed out to me how I was coming across - my upbringing always put great store by straight talking, honesty and “what you see is what you get”. It took me a while to change my ways - these things don’t happen overnight .But I honestly feel that all these years later, I’ve become 90% “English” in the way I communicate. I’ve become so thoroughly “de-tribalised” that I now feel that the “English” way is the “correct” way…to the extent that I find my ex-countrymen a bit “Russian” (in the sense that you describe).
The advantage of verbal communication, of course, is that you can more often than not tell from a person’s accent that they originally come from “somewhere else” - and make allowances accordingly. This doesn’t apply with electronic communication such as forums!
There is an interview with Michael Sheen in which he mentions social media turning into exchange of insults instead of sensible discussion-
It is a shame if folk get so worried about seeming rude that discussion is prevented and exchange of views cut off. That can lead to frustration. In the world at large - we get Brexit votes and D J Trump, here we could get people leaving the Forum, which, surely, would be sad? 
I don’t think the issue is so much with avoiding discussions for fear of being rude, it’s just about learning to write in such a way that doesn’t sound aggressive. But of course, it cuts both ways - I think we all have to realise that the tonelessness of text based communication can make others come across in ways they don’t intend, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Knee jerk reactions don’t help anyone.
It is a shame if folk get so worried about seeming rude that discussion is prevented and exchange of views cut off. That can lead to frustration. In the world at large - we get Brexit votes and D J Trump, here we could get people leaving the Forum, which, surely, would be sad?
Sorry, I don’t understand, but I am feeling a little slow this morning. You may prefer to PM me what you mean - or not, of course.